Saturday, October 01, 2005

Are Marriages Made In Heaven?

Are Marriages Made In Heaven?

Vasu Reddy from Chicago
31st March 2005

Relationships are funny things. Friendship, brotherhood, parental, children and marriages are quite sacred with all of us. We can appreciate the value of each of these relationships by simply engaging in them and benefiting from the enormous positive support that each of those relationships provide to comfort us.

My best friend, my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my uncle, my aunt and my wife and my children are quite common introductions we make when we associate with the people around us. I am sure that everyone alive cherishes the relationships they value, and enjoy.

Here is an email I received from one of my readers, and I have taken out some personal references while leaving the content to reflect my current week’s subject:

Dear Mr. Vasu Reddy,

Once in a while, when my busy life permits me to surf the net, I seek pleasure in reading intellectual columns and blogs. I am very pleased to say your column!

While I thoroughly enjoyed some of your columns, I felt that some others were mediocre, but not bad. Probably it is due to my taste in those topics.

For long I have been wondering about one topic that cannot be covered enough - The psyche of Indian women when it comes to a mixed marriage couple. I wish you would write a column on this topic to educate people.

I knew my better half for almost six years now and am married to her for four and fathered a wonderful child of two years. During our moves across the country, we have faced lot of sneers and jeers from Indian Women. I am not sure what irks them most when they see us
together. Comments such as "Why did he marry her?" or "You can tell their son is a hybrid” etc really piss me off at their ignorance. Of course ignorance is bliss!

These women, just like me, came from India all the way to US in search of better opportunities and life styles. Yet, they cannot stand their own fellow mixing with others? Or is it pure jealousy? I don't know jealousy of what though?

My other Indian acquaintances - I am sorry I can not call them friends anymore -They will call me at my work and on my cell but never at my home! They will invite me for parties or to their homes only when they know my wife is out of town! Foolish on their parts, shall I say to think that I will go!

Some even stopped talking to me after they knew that I am married to a white girl! But when they need something, comes a phone call with sweetest voices possible!

I am really sick and tired of this and started telling people to f off! If they can't accept me for what I am, go to hell. I don't know what is your readership but I am sure whoever reads it is intellectual enough to appreciate and understand the feelings of a human being and know the difference between right and wrong!

Hope you will write a column with your thoughts on this!

And please keep up the good work!


I asked the permission of the email writer to allow me to use his message as a backdrop to the column, and got the consent to do so.

I first started to list these as things to discuss, and let the readers make sense out of the hypocrisy involved in behavior of people who subject others to such techniques.

1. Men and women marry.
2. Color, race, religion, caste, money, countries, boundaries, beauty, convenience are political developments over the centuries or human existence.
3. People always stereotype their own idiosyncrasies.
4. Marriages are a matter of heart and convenience, and are not engaged to satisfy others around you.
5. People have a right to abuse you as long as you allow them to do so.
6. Relationships are funny and can change if the other person doesn’t feel the convenience of taking advantage of the relationship.
7. People who are not related to them can abuse others children for no reason, just because they don’t like the child’s parent’s color.
8. Indians are still evolving as social beings when they move out of India and move into western societies, as they have not least yet that children are not hybrids, they are simply children.
9. Even friends are stupid as they feel they have a right to run your life.

So many thoughts come to my mind as I reread the email. Is our evolution of thought so primitive that we have not learned to respect the friendship to demean the relationship of a friend and his spouse and his child?

When I start to reflect on the concept of race and relationships, it suddenly dawned on me that if the social environment I live in is tolerant of all types of people then the issue of race is irrelevant. Amazingly so, the USA is supposed to be one of the most tolerant places on earth for social integration. When you are truly integrated into this society or any society you will start to appreciate the positives of the overall behavior of the people, and the respect for law and living. The same people who disrespect the couple and child referenced in the email, came to the USA for betterment in living standards, but continue to foster the tendencies of stereotypes of their original places, which themselves are mired with sociopolitical issues that have been plaguing the Indian nation. If marrying into color were the solution for perfect society then India or any such place would have no sociopolitical issues. We all know even the wealthiest of nations still need a lot of development. Special reference can be made to people who are unwilling to respect others choices, be it political or social. I a not troubled by the email but by the lack of respect for ones friend, his spouse and the innocent child. Are these the same people who made fair and lovely an acceptable beauty aid?

We don’t marry for convenience, as we clearly believe the need beyond convenience. When you get married you already have your family, friends and acquaintances along with your culture, heritage, color and anything else you already own. I am not sure there is any significance with any of these people and where you come from while making a choice of marrying. Just that most of these folks instead of supporting your individual choices of life, seem to have most times opinions on what you should do with your life, and specially when it mixes with race and color. In a nation where thousands of years of migration, occupation and tolerance exists, people of the country simply have forgotten that the Indians are a mix of every type of people and culture which is what we now call India. How can we alienate the people of our own race because they marry someone who doesn’t look like us and try to find ugly names for their children?

With many of my columns I don’t have perspective but just thoughts on how to reflect on what is happening around us, especially when Indians in USA have such narrow view of the world. The same people who are your friends find the most stupid things to say about you and your choices when you are not around, and to your other friends. May be the message is that you are simply alone in the world, and sometimes it seems that you have some company that is a matter of convenience.

I am touched and associating my feelings with the email and simply don’t care for anyone telling others what to do with their life, specially when it is something as simple as marrying and having a wonderful child. What is this? We are OK with coming to a western country to make money and buy a big car and big home, while sending money to buy useless stuff in India, but we have a problem with one of our own people marrying someone who doesn’t look exactly like you do. My advise to everyone is try to look around you and your life outside of India. You are the one who look different by not integrating into the society you came into. You just don’t get money in a country and become a part of it. You try to live their life and try to become tolerant of all people.

The writer of email is anguished, as he feels betrayed by the very own people who he trusts to be his friends. Outside of the betrayal of the friendship, I think the stupidity of alienation because of his individual choice of marrying is inhuman, and specially calling a child names is idiotic. These guys are not just bad friends but bad human beings. They are the ones who need to be alienated.


ArChaNa said...

well may be what u said is true.. yes there are some people out there who try to isolate the others.

and teaching these people is no good.

but all in all thats a nice post.

if your are wondering who I am..well im vamsee reddy's friend archana.. i guess u remember me

Vasu Reddy said...

Archana...I know who you are and thank you much.

jjmreddy said...

I would not fully support your ideas.There are pros and cons in every being.
8. Indians are still evolving as social beings when they move out of India and move into western societies, as they have not least yet that children are not hybrids, they are simply children.

What do you call an evolution. Just because you are in the western country there is no need for you to follow them. That does not mean evolution. Many people with different cultures and religions have come to India but Indians never have asked them to change into their culture. Do we call this a modernism or making others follow your culture just because they are in your land.

"You just don’t get money in a country and become a part of it. You try to live their life and try to become tolerant of all people."

British and Muslims have been in India for so long did they change. They wanted india to be like them. They never wanted to live like Indians.

I dont know exactly the mailers intentions of throwing the black marks on his fellow Indians. It allways depends on how you look at the problem. Did you know if the mailer have changed from what he has been to what they are. If the girl he has married has recieved his Indian culture or he embrassed her culture? If he has emberased her cultuer he deffinitely have no self respect and vice versa. If both of them have remained what ever they are and still married then am sure no Indian would alienate him. Most self respective minorities would wish that the majorities accept them as they are not as they wanted them to be.

I have been living here for a while and most of my friends (Indians)arround me respected interracial marraiges as long as they dont change their culture one fine day. as long as they dont act as if they are some thing more than the rest of their friends or acquaintances.
If I were in his shoes i would have been proud if some one called my child hybrid. I would accept the truth and there is nothing to be shy of. Most Indians are never used to the term "Mix" as we generally dont used it. I think most Indians dont discriminate so easily without a heart. Its in our culture to make jokes about ourself. If you watch our movies we laugh at the dark colored people even though we are dark. All our jokes are mostly on the way people look and personalities etc That does not mean we hate them. We dont express love by words or actions so easlily. We understand and take it granted that the other person loves us. One fine day just because you are married to some one else out and start behaving that these are bad them its not the problem with his friends but it is his problem.


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