Silence as an Expression

For all most all part of my life, I have practiced silence for expressing grief.  From a very young age I have lost someone who was dear to me.  At this point of time I don't have both my parents, my grand parents from both sides of my father and mother, one of my brothers and one of my dad's sisters, and many of my childhood friends.  For just about every time in life I have lost someone who was/still is a part of my life.  All of them passed away when I was physically far away form them.  

The physical distance from someone dear to heart and life doesn't make grief any less, perhaps makes the expression more personal.  Birth and death are significant as they both have a beginning and an end.  Both instances make you tear up.  Both instances make you celebrate either the beginning of a life to be lived, and the end of a life that was well lived.  If you are not physically present, your grief is no less.

I have always been at a loss for expressing condolences.  I don't know what will make the finality of death any better with words.  I am also really not sure that physical presence makes sharing of grief any less overbearing.

My personal choice of being silent is not very comforting to me.  My mind will be reflecting on the instances that I shared, and the impact of the personal interactions I have shared, and I remember that have impacted the life choices I have made.  The most wonderful aspect of the life's choices is simply remembering only the impact of relationships, and how they have shaped your existence.  I really think the best way to live is just take every person that is a part of your life as they come, and not think of how they should be, rather let them be.

My choice of being silent in grief, perhaps makes other's think that I am uninterested or uninvolved.  It is far from the truth.  I have always remained detached unless I am asked to participate, or invited to become a part of a gathering.  I love to socialize, chat. share, celebrate and be a part of my huge circle of friends and family, just that I don't force myself on anything.

Lately I have been a witness to loss of very near ones, and at the same time celebration of new life and new beginnings.  Life as such is either a celebration of a new beginning or a celebration of a life well lived.  In both instances I mostly am silent, and wait for appropriate time to become a part, sometimes for quite a bit of time, and most time when opportune and in person.

My list of trips to make in person is very long, and I have not even started yet, and I am even sure if I ever get to begin making them.  I think of everyone who is no longer physically available to chat, or tell them how much I care and love.  I can only believe that each of them were well aware that I cared and I appreciated the part of our shared life.  I don't want to think they are just gone, I just want to keep the part of shared life in front of my mind, and the distance I have lived away will remain as a buffer to missing them.

My choice of silence doesn't make it any easier for me cope.  It is perhaps easier for people around me that I don't share my grief as they have their own worries to contend with.

I always think that grief is personal, and happiness is shared.  I will continue to practice it even if at times my silence might be construed as otherwise.  

Eye's of the Beholder

Every election time provides excellent opportunity to think of changes to status quo.  Unless you are under the age of last election cycle, you already know what status quo is.  It is exactly the the same as the last election cycle, with a lot more debt added to the government.  The debt is not just at the central level, but it goes, country, state, district, county, town, village and even perhaps your home.  It is incredible that we keep increasing the debt ceiling at every level, at every given opportunity.  I have lived long enough to see that my government/s (any governing body with the power to increase debt) can't stop spending money they don't have.

In 2024, I am trying to hear anyone run the election on platform of ZERO borrowing.  I know many years ago we had some years of surplus revenue at the country level, but we have really never managed to elect a government based on fiscal discipline.

This year (and perhaps many years to come until 100% debt happens) will be no different.  The rich don't care as they have the resources and have the ability to avoid huge tax burden, and the large group that takes money from the local/state/central government only want more handout's and only the hard working, middle income folks keep paying more.

I had to come-up with an example of the fallacy of the handout's and the impact on the real tax payers.  A Illinois family gets free food assistance of say "$1500.00" a month in SNAP benefits.  This means that they get a debit card with this money every month and can spend it on anything they can but with the card, and not pay the 10% tax that a normal shopper pays to buy the same.  Essentially what the handout is doing is: Pay a lot more money to the recipients (more than any normal family spends on food per month), take the money from those who are paying taxes.  I have no complaints about helping the needy, but why not create food banks to the needy, and provide the same instead of debit cards with huge money?

It is an interesting dynamic as politicians keep harping about development and poverty elimination, and at the same time, hand out to their vote banks.  I guess if all people of the nation are gainfully employed and are not dependent (sort of spoiled on freebies) they will start to think of appropriate policies to vote the deserving party to power.

Double edged sword, is to give away freebies and add to the debt politics allow for each of the parties to throw political satires at each other, every election, and keep spending to pander to their vote banks.  Recently the great political flights in Washington is how much more money we send to aid wars abroad.  Before I write the next sentence, I am all for "PEACE ON EARTH" but why I am waiting for fixing potholes on the road to work, but my government is fighting to spend trillions on war which I have no concern.

I am going to deviate about this war business.  If two countries want to go to war, let them fight among themselves, until either one can't fight anymore.  We have the historic examples of "Alexander the Great" who we address as such for his conquests.  For example if Russia wants to go expand let them expand as we all know that it's the local people who will ultimately decide on their exist.  It goes for all nations and all communities.  We need to remember that you don't just conquer the land, it comes with people and their governance, and also the Darwinian theory of "survival of the fittest".  Perhaps it is best with one people and one world, and let everyone fend for themselves.

The who essence of politics and democratic government is just being elected and living on borrowed money.  It's depressing to even think of surviving retirement with the piling up of debt, which is not sustainable.  

We the voter still choose a party or candidate, despite the unimaginable debt burden, with a promise of a better tomorrow.  It is not possible with borrowed future.  Although I choose a party and it's candidate every election cycle, I am certain that we can't sustain the spending.  At some point of time my government can't pay its bills.  The irony is I will also not be in a position to afford the normal things in life if the government goes bankrupt and civil infrastructure is unsustainable.  With every dollar I earn, I pay whatever the tax burden that's mandated, but if the handout's, wars, pork and politics make it untenable to basic life, it's a future that is uncertain.

At this mother's day morning, I thought first of my mom in heaven, and then started worrying about what will I do with the future as every thing that I can think of seems not in my control.  I woke up thinking of Mother's Day, and within a couple of hours of the future that beholds me, and everyone that follows.

Belly Full of Reality

 Excuse me first. I really mean not dreams but reality.

The fun part of dreaming is just that.  Nothing comes out of it, and it could be good or bad dreams.  It's like watching a movie or a show, it's simple not real but keeps you engaged for a small amount of time.  You just hope that it's good.

All my life I have had no issues with sleeping and or eating on time.  Most of my adult years I worked very hard.  At least I think I worked very hard. When I got sick and was trying to recover, it took years for me to get to be what we call a normal person, but never had issues with eating or sleeping.  I really think the whole human life revolves around satisfying hunger and once it is, then have a good sleep.  In between these 2 activities, we strive to work hard (make money) and do it almost everyday of life.  As I have gotten older I don't think I am any smarter or wiser than I was a teenager or a young man.  I just had a lot more energy to learn and do things, and now I have a lot more experience and have no idea what all the things I did really mattered to what I do now.  Only think that has mattered is the ability to keep doing things that will keep the reality of life to keep it going.

The old Sanskrit saying loosely translated into English "past is past" is very true.  I know I have the great ability to forget stuff quickly after January 2010.  I rely mostly on practice rather than memory, which I lost.  I don't dwell on not being able to remember every name, or every instance, every todo, or sometimes I simply can't remember.  I freely admit to having limited space in remembering, and it is really true.  It doesn't mean I forget who I am and what I am.  The reality is I am in the second life that my family presented to me, and saved me from a premature obituary.

I am still uncomfortable with distrust and dishonesty.  I really have difficult time saying "no".  I really don't ask much for help outside of issues related to work, and I am always happy to admit to something I don't no.  Many of these things that I practice make my life simpler (at least I think) by simply keeping it direct to what I feel.  I have no issues in admiring the simplest of things in life and expressing the joy of everyone's actions.  In my reality it is still the black and white life.  Either it is true or false.  In all instances I like to just say the truth and whatever the consequences it is just fine with me as I don't have defend it.  I like it simple.

Lately I have been having more difficulty in saying no.  I work really hard, and my body doesn't cooperate as it was when I came out of college.  I just admitted to my coworkers that I really didn't like to change organizations.  It is no longer work you are professionally doing, but work place management has become managing the changing management.  In essence you are doing the same work but your management is replaced or changed in such frequency, so are your learning to manage your management nuances in alarming regularity.

Professional life has been changing with alarming pace.  Gone are the days where one held on to the job for a long time (sometimes one employer until retirement).  Now it is commonplace to replace employers every few months.  I am still old fashioned (perhaps a little too attached to people) and a little bot reluctant to keep changing places.  It is not because of my inability to adjust, but it is because of my inability to say no.

It is May of 2024, and today is "MAY DAY".  I am thinking of my Sunday on the couch and if my little one is ready go to the mall for lunch and may be some shopping.  That the reality I like with regularity.  I don't have to dream of anything, as I am done with thinking of being uncertain, and I am ok with the daily reality.  The years have really thought me of what is real, and I am OK with it.

Words and wisdom, actions and reactions, love and affection, life and it's reality: all of them past really will not reflect what is future.  They are all testaments of what we did, but not necessarily what we will be doing.  Just think 1980 phone and 2020 phone, absolute unbelievable change to life.  Look at what google does to your information needs, and my favorite is the large horde of road maps I had in the car and now I just tell my phone to find my home.

The only thing that hasn't changed in reality for an individual is hunger and the need for sleep.  I already argued nothing will change that as a full stomach and a good sleep will make us think well and keep making them advances that we can only dream of.