Silence as an Expression

For all most all part of my life, I have practiced silence for expressing grief.  From a very young age I have lost someone who was dear to me.  At this point of time I don't have both my parents, my grand parents from both sides of my father and mother, one of my brothers and one of my dad's sisters, and many of my childhood friends.  For just about every time in life I have lost someone who was/still is a part of my life.  All of them passed away when I was physically far away form them.  

The physical distance from someone dear to heart and life doesn't make grief any less, perhaps makes the expression more personal.  Birth and death are significant as they both have a beginning and an end.  Both instances make you tear up.  Both instances make you celebrate either the beginning of a life to be lived, and the end of a life that was well lived.  If you are not physically present, your grief is no less.

I have always been at a loss for expressing condolences.  I don't know what will make the finality of death any better with words.  I am also really not sure that physical presence makes sharing of grief any less overbearing.

My personal choice of being silent is not very comforting to me.  My mind will be reflecting on the instances that I shared, and the impact of the personal interactions I have shared, and I remember that have impacted the life choices I have made.  The most wonderful aspect of the life's choices is simply remembering only the impact of relationships, and how they have shaped your existence.  I really think the best way to live is just take every person that is a part of your life as they come, and not think of how they should be, rather let them be.

My choice of being silent in grief, perhaps makes other's think that I am uninterested or uninvolved.  It is far from the truth.  I have always remained detached unless I am asked to participate, or invited to become a part of a gathering.  I love to socialize, chat. share, celebrate and be a part of my huge circle of friends and family, just that I don't force myself on anything.

Lately I have been a witness to loss of very near ones, and at the same time celebration of new life and new beginnings.  Life as such is either a celebration of a new beginning or a celebration of a life well lived.  In both instances I mostly am silent, and wait for appropriate time to become a part, sometimes for quite a bit of time, and most time when opportune and in person.

My list of trips to make in person is very long, and I have not even started yet, and I am even sure if I ever get to begin making them.  I think of everyone who is no longer physically available to chat, or tell them how much I care and love.  I can only believe that each of them were well aware that I cared and I appreciated the part of our shared life.  I don't want to think they are just gone, I just want to keep the part of shared life in front of my mind, and the distance I have lived away will remain as a buffer to missing them.

My choice of silence doesn't make it any easier for me cope.  It is perhaps easier for people around me that I don't share my grief as they have their own worries to contend with.

I always think that grief is personal, and happiness is shared.  I will continue to practice it even if at times my silence might be construed as otherwise.